I embrace the word “no” as a testament to ending the cycle of people-pleasing. People pleasing is a pattern of behavior that arises out of a deeply rooted fear of rejection, failure, or conflict. It can manifest as care-taking others needs before your own, over-commitment to projects that don’t align with your wants or values, or feelings of resentment and/or passive aggression.
I noticed this pattern in myself early on in my work in training and becoming a therapist. Naturally, as a healer and peace-maker, I have a tendency (and gift) to go towards the positive, focus on the needs of other, and resolve conflict. When this gets imbalanced, I ignore my needs and focus solely on other. That is neither beneficial for my well-being nor modeling healthy relationship behavior for the people I serve.
As we say, this is a microcosm to the whole of our lives. Today, I see conflict as a sign of health in any relationship. It shows a level of safety felt when those involved can speak openly and honestly about feelings and take responsibility for their actions, while wanting to work through the reparation together. I embrace it more and more. The ways that I’ve been re-patterning this tendency are below. I have made great strides in healing this wound, and I humbly recognize that this is a deep soul lesson to continue moving forward. This is what it means to be a light-worker. And human.
I hope they can help you in some way as well.
1.- Recognize you have a choice
2.- Stay true to inner values
3.- Get comfortable with + practice saying “no”
4.- Communicate your needs without blame
5.- Embrace conflict when it arises
6.- Practice gratitude instead of apologies
7.- Take responsibility for feeling triggered
8.- Set clear boundaries + follow through
9.- Move from fear of neglect to trusting that the relationships that fall away are for the best of all
We are moving from victim to empowered beings. In the middle of this process is assertive confidence. We are taking responsibility for our healing.